![]() Unable to perceive that it is their parents who are incapable or unwilling to nurture them effectively, abused kids fruitlessly attempt to prove that they are lovable. Survival psychology dictates that abused children repeatedly search for love from parents who do not meet the developmental needs of their offspring. These children believe they must win their parent’s love, as their survival depends on it. As mistreated children unconsciously blame themselves for their parent’s behavior, a sense shame and anxiety becomes fused with their core identity. It is through affirmative parental mirroring that our essential sense of ourselves as ‘good’ people develops.Ĭonversely, if parents neglect or abuse their offspring, then these children learn to see themselves as bad and, therefore, unlovable. If enough ‘optimal’ positive mirroring by parents occurs early in childhood, then children learn to internalize those responses, affirming that they are good, loveable, worthy and wanted. So as can be seen, bonding with caregivers is not only necessary for a child’s survival, but also acts as a vital mirror to a child’s developing sense of self. The rebellious, more demanding child is communicating ‘Please hear and validate me or I will die’. In essence, the withdrawn child is saying ‘I will never get what I need, and can’t trust you, therefore I retreat or shut down’. As they grow older these children may become more withdrawn and avoidant, or rebellious and acting out. So these ‘insecurely attached’ children may cling to parents who simultaneously telegraph to their kids that they are not important, setting a child up to feel both fearful of abandonment, and self blaming when s/he does not receive this nurturing. Insufficient, inconsistent or absent empathy, nurturance and unconditional love from parents – fundamental for developing children – magnifies the attachment trauma problem.Īt the same time, neglected or abused children continue to yearn for a connection to the very parents who are not available to meet their needs. loss of a parent through death, divorce, estrangement, etc.), developing children are susceptible to feeling extremely unsure of themselves, especially their sense of worth and lovability. If attachment needs are thwarted through neglect, abuse or traumatic losses (e.g. The quality of their bond with parents determines how positively or negatively kids see themselves, and is viewed as the truth. Children tend to see things as black or white, so at the heart of their nascent identity is the belief that they are either good or bad, lovable or unlovable. ![]() ![]() By the age of four or five, our basic sense of self identity is formed. As we are wired for closeness, our parental figures provide our first experiences of these crucial relationship ties. In this sense, strong attachment bonds are fundamental to the experience of being human and the survival of our species. How Does Childhood Trauma Affect Relationships?Īll humans are born with an innate psychological and biological need to receive consistent nurturing from parents. Unfortunately, a state of high anxiety can become the glue that binds people together in unhealthy relationship bonds. ![]() For people with a trauma history, fear can be mistaken for excitement in intimate relationships.
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